Saturday, February 9, 2013
The other day I mentioned A Blog About Love, a surprisingly open and candid account by a re-married divorcee. This is one brave lady, openly and honestly laying it all on the line, and fishing out a pile of tips and secrets to her now successful marriage.
It is a interesting feat that she has accomplished there, an unaffected honesty, a tell-all fluidity that happily does not include any self-editing. I often struggle with my audience when writing - imagining the people who may or may not be reading and what they may or may not be thinking. It's horribly limiting.
Often my friends ask me for relationship advice - I guess once you're married people assume you know what you're doing. Getting married was quite possibly one of the greatest things I've ever done. I've never been one to dream of weddings, and marriages and white dresses. I always thought of it as something far off, distant, maybe not even a possibility. A haze, that may one day happen to me. So I was exceedingly surprised to find it to be so good, so delicious, so comforting - this great blanket of love to wrap yourself up in.
Growing up, you're surrounded by this idea that marriage is not such a good thing - maybe your friends come from divorced parents, or a broken home, as it is so aptly named. It is a constant feature on modern media, sometimes comical, sometimes real, but ever present.
It always made me wonder what the point of getting married was, if all you're going to do is bicker with each other, and not listen to what the other has to say. It seemed quite dull and outdated. It chills me to the bone that divorce seems to be the only resonating outcome.
But maybe it is this knowledge, this realisation, this truth, that has made us stronger. If divorce is the eventual outcome, I sure as hell want to work as hard as possible to avoid it. Husband and I strive everyday to not let little resentments grow, to address issues as they arise, and to come up with better strategies for solving problems. This is something we want to work at, everyday, to make our relationship better and stronger. Communication is super important for us - Husband is an extrovert, and I'm an introvert, which can sometimes make for strenuous conversations - he needs to talk everything through, often, going over multiple ideas, plans and figures. My little introvert brain can't always handle his fast-paced word flow and gets highly stressed out and overwhelmed in situations like that. Luckily we've developed safe words for those exact situations, and strategy meetings, so Husband can still talk it all through, but at a pace and time that I can manage.
So, marriage seems to be this dynamo. Changing, turning, twisting, but in a good way - it grows. I love how safe and content I feel in this union. Silly jealousies and insecurities slip away, and life becomes simpler. No more random hook-ups and one night stands, no raging hormones and 'does he like me, doesn't he like me' mixed signals. Just a simple, growing understanding of each other, and how much we want to fight to keep this love alive.
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